Self-Care: Grooming with Tessyri!

(Photo by Tobias Oetiker on Unsplash)

While trawling Reddit for potential topics to discuss, I received a request to talk about my scale grooming routine!  I thought to myself “That is unique and sounds like fun!” So here we are!  This will be the first in a rotating series of self-care column articles to help those of you out there know how to keep those horns polished and those scales shining! I will also include some simple grooming steps that anyone of any species should be able to apply to their daily routine. 

First things first

First off, what is your grooming routine?  Are you a fastidious groomer who bathes every day, or are you more laid back and maybe you bathe every few days?  Do you have fur to contend with or are you pure scales?  These might seem unimportant but they really aren’t!  Depending on how you answered, you might need to take different steps accordingly!

Now as a dragon, not all my time is spent on the move. There are just some days that involve sleeping in my den and relaxing to the sounds of the world outside. Other days I get up and hunt or study some interesting facts, and still others I have to spend socializing. When you do not move too much, you can honestly get just as gross as if you are moving quite a bit. Oils come out of your hide between scales or from fur follicles and over time you get the Funk! and it really just is not pleasant. 

(image copyright: leohartas on instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/yaCCanJEmt/)

The Funk! is also prone to rearing its nasty head after a hard day's work. Whether you are torching towns or plowing fields, you are probably working up some pretty significant BO. We dragons are, well let's face it, a little vain at times and that means BO is generally something we would rather avoid. I know I would much rather keep my scales looking spectacular and regal rather than dull and dingy. Sure, it might make it a little harder to sneak up on prey now and then, but my prey always has the ability to tell those on the other side that they were taken out by a thing of beauty!

Hit the beach!

So how do I keep my scales looking their best?  Sand bathes!  Sand is a magnificent option for keeping scales shiny and clean. It polishes and scrubs and all you have to do is roll around on a beach for a while! This method is also good at drying up some of those excess oils that everyone produces naturally. 

(Photo by Mariko Akagi on Unsplash)

“But Tessyri, how do I get it out of all the little nooks and crannies?” you might ask. 

Easy enough. You can rinse off in a waterfall or if you are one of those dragons on the smaller end, you can make use of a human blow dryer or air hose. The air is gentle and might even help you loosen up any shedding scales!  For those of us with fireproof hides, grooming by first slowly torching your hide or having a friend torch your hide to really dry out any thing that might have started growing on your scales is a good extra step you can take. 

Fur and sand don’t always mix

“I have fur and sand really doesn’t feel good when it gets in there.”  

That is fair!  If you have longer fur, I am sure sand sticks to it and dries it out pretty badly. If that is the case, a sand bath might not be the best option. Now if you are a dragon with minions, you could get them to render the fat left over from hunts or farm animals and the proper herbs and plants to make your very own brand of draconic shampoo or soap to use. If you are just a run of the mill every day dragon, you might even do this yourself or you could swing by one of those human bulk warehouse stores and see about purchasing some ready made shampoos!

Sometimes the humans get things right

(Photo by Daniel Salgado on Unsplash)

As annoying as humans can be to some of us, they are really good at being imaginative
and creating many wonderful products for your dragon on the go. Be careful to read the labels or have them read to you to make sure there is not some kind of chemical in them that might react poorly with your fur. Many furred dragons often have plant life in their fur or as part of their anatomy and chemical solutions like that might damage it. 

Try making your own 

I too will use soap just to make sure that I am keeping a pleasant aroma, though I prefer to mix my own. Pine ash mixed with some honey and rendered fat makes for quite the alluring scent!  Sometimes if there is enough lavender growing near my den, I will add that to give it some floral notes, (it also is one of my mate’s favorite scents). All of these ingredients are also organic so I do not have to worry about them poisoning my land or the water I use to bathe in. Just scoop a talon or two full and scrub it into all of the hide you can reach!  The soap will keep your horns and talons looking bright and strong, and your scales will smell heavenly!

(Photo by Aurélia Dubois on Unsplash)

While it may be tempting to just go to the store and buy your usual brand name soaps and shampoos, getting your hands/paws/claws on basic ingredients is not terribly difficult and making your own soaps will help you feel crafty, wholesome, and accomplished. Using the results of your own labor to clean yourself will also make you feel good because you get that feeling of “I did this, it is my own thing!”. 

Next time!

Hopefully these tips and tricks will help you keep your own hide in prime condition!  Staying clean is important for your health and your self esteem, remember clean scales reflect a clean self image. Next time we will discuss crafts of various kinds that you can do in your den!  My personal favorite is baking bread, something you would not normally expect a giant dragon to do but I really enjoy it!  What is your favorite crafting hobby?  Let me know in the comments and I might even discuss it in the column!

Until next time, Keep your scales clean and your wings full! Catch you guys in the skies!

Mental Health: Advice from the Cosmic Unicorn with the Psychology Masters!

 Disclaimer: The advice in this column is meant to help educate, not to diagnose. A mental health diagnosis should be given by a licensed medical professional. The advice offered here is to help you better understand mental health conditions that you might struggle with and better equip you for the discussion that needs to take place with your care provider. The author's of this column and From on top of the Hoard make no claims to be licensed as medical professionals nor accept liability for how you as the reader attempt to apply the knowledge you gain from this column and its associated articles. FototH highly encourages you to seek out medical care from a licensed medical care provider in your area. If you find yourself in a medical emergency or mental health crisis, please contact 911 in the USA or your equivalent in your country. 

Terrible Dragon Movie Reviews: Dragon Fury

 Welcome to Terrible Dragon Reviews, where we watch the worst dragon movies on the market so you don't have to!  We watch all of those terrible B-rank movies that you scroll past wondering to yourself "Is that even worth the watch?" and then review it so you can know if you are missing anything great, or dodged the proverbial bullet!

Dragon Fury (2021)

    I sat down the other night and thought to myself, why can't I find any decent dragon movies?  Sure there are the films like How to Train your Dragon or even the shows like GOT House of the Dragon but where are the new and exciting stories that are really showcasing our best sides?

    That was when I decided to turn on my tv, search dragon, and see what came up. Dragon Fury actually came up pretty quickly in my search. This film is the brainchild of one Scott Chambers and one Rhys Frake-Waterfield, produced in 2021.  The synopsis told of experts being sent into a forsaken no mans land that the government had set up in the mountains in search of dangerous creatures. And judging from the cover art for the film, I thought it might make for an interesting watch. 

(image copyright: Jagged Edge Productions)

    That cover looks alright, like there could be something going on there. Right? Right??

    WRONG!

    As with far too many B movies these days, that cover is a complete lie. Neither that dragon design, nor those people pictured are in the film. In fact no one even remotely looking like them is in the film. 

Instead, the film opens up on two "Bloggers" who have set out to blow open this conspiracy about a secret government nuclear facility that had a meltdown several years before that the public never knew about even though this area has supposedly been a radioactive dead-zone for decades. With music reminiscent of those really bad horror films of the early 2000s playing out of place the whole time, the two are quickly set upon by what I can only describe as the tormented love child of a night of drunken hate fueled passion between Gollum and Smaug.  

    "Come now Tess, it can't really be that bad right?" you might say. 

(copyright: Jagged Edge Productions)

    Believe me now? What even is that Gargoyles reject? I could not even find the image that I really wanted to show you of the things funky tail that splits at the end for some reason and looks like some kind of a stinger slash foot thing. 

    The graphics used are laughable at best, definitely not something you would expect to see in a film that made it to streaming in the 2020s. The fire it breaths looks like something from the old Playstation 2 days of gaming. 

    Shortly after we are introduced to the main character of the film, Ness, a woman you would expect to find in a library or a coffee shop enjoying a warm cup of tea and a Jane Eyre novel, but is instead supposed to be the leader of an elite squad of highly trained military operatives. Ness is asked to lead her team to this desolate mountain range to hunt down this creature by a young man who is supposed to be her Captain or handler or something. Honestly I couldn't get over how terrible his acting and his weird hipster clothes were. 

    

    Ness and her team of super soldier soccer moms, of which there are are a total of three including Ness, show up to bore us to death with creeping music that does not match the scenes nor add brevity to them. As you can see in the image above, one of them is walking on crutches, yet they felt the need to bring her to hunt this super dangerous monster. None of them have weapons until about halfway through the film and then it turns out it is a water gun that has the trigger removed and a black cap over the barrel, and I have to say, their utter lack of training in the carrying or use of firearms made me want to cry. 

    After many unexciting twists and turns that happen at the speed of a yawn, the dragon manages to kill its way into your heart by somehow being both the villain and the hero of the story. Cliche government super weapon tropes and the main character driving off into the sunset as swarms of dragons fly after her and you have a steaming pile of movie. 

     This movie is a slow burn ride through bland scenery that takes place in mostly the same two places. A random cottage in the mountains, and one little ravine. The dialogue is forced and the suspension of belief is honestly too much for me to enjoy. I can forgive the bad acting, none of these people are really known and given the terrible plot they had to work with, what could they do. What I cannot forgive is this weird mutated gargoyle being dubbed a dragon. It got jumped by life and life was not gentle. 

So what would I rate Dragon Fury?

Plot: 3/10 🔥

Is the plot terrible, yes, but not irredeemable. Had they used convincing actors and props for this and tuned the dialogue better then it might even have been passable. As it stands, it was boring and meandering.

Characters: 1/10 🔥

The characters were bad, the acting was bad, there was no believable development or backstories for any of them. When you start cheering because a character dies, and it is not because they deserved it for plot reasons, then they are a pretty awful character. 

Music: -5/10 🔥

The music was terrible. It was not put into the film in a consistent quality. It did not fit the scenes at all. It in effect was of no benefit to the film and actually worked to its detriment. 

Visuals: -1/10 🔥

The visuals were so terrible. In a world where people are using blender to make free to watch youtube videos of mind blowing quality out of their basements in their spare time, there is no excuse for a film to release with graphics that make the Nintendo 64 look high definition.

Overall 0/10 🔥

I would not recommend Dragon Fury. It is just another in an ever mounting stack of terrible dragon films that people keep barfing out every few years. Dragon Fury is a reminder that not all stories are great and not all movies should be made. The fact that it has not one, not two, but three sequels is disturbing to me. There are far better examples of dragon related films out there that have been squashed for underperforming and who deserved sequels. I know I am not the only one hoping to see Themberchaud return!

What movie do you think we should review next?  Put your suggestion in the comments below and we will pick one at random to review in our next publication!

We hope you have enjoyed this review and we thank you for your continuing readership!

Firetongue Writing Blog: Intro and Common Questions on the Sub

“Can I write a story?”

Lurking on the r/dragons sub, I encounter this question continuously. Someone has an idea—a new dragon story or a solution to a common pop-culture issue—and they are ecstatic! Not many opportunities like that come around—but—what if it isn’t good enough? What if their writing isn’t any good? Is the style the problem? The tropes? The characters? They don’t know, so they take that question to the sub. And it makes sense. If you have a problem that you can’t answer on your own, why not ask for peer help? For critiques? Perhaps someone else who loves dragons will answer their call?

The problem stems from the fact that not many people answer these questions. Many actively ignore them—and that is no offense to anyone. Not many people can easily answer unless they are directly pop-culture related. They may themselves be in the same boat as the first person. For many of those questions, only another writer can answer them.

That’s what I hope to do with this column. If you are a dreamer hoping to write stories with dragons—about mystical places of castles and demons, other planets and stars in the void of space, or even a 711 down the street—this is your place. A come-one-come-all place where even the “stupidest” questions will be treated with respect.

So, to answer the question above: Yes. You can write a story. And not just an easily forgettable tale, an anecdote to talk about once in a while at your cousin’s third marriage reception or on a meme post on r/losercity, but something that will leave a keystone in your life, an unforgettable memory you and maybe someone else one day will always cherish. That starts not by being the best, but by taking the first step—learning, asking questions, and then, most importantly, trying and failing to actually write, because you will learn much more by doing than by thinking.

So, go forth, my friends of scale and fur, and try! Write! Next time, I will be focusing on the basis of storytelling, and the thing you should focus the most on: Characters.

 

Kind regards,

Drachenscrhieber-1

A Dragon's Retrospective on the History of Humanity

 Note: The following article is historical satire and should not be taken seriously or used as a source for factual historical events.

The Great Emu War of 1932

When looking back at humanity's history, there have been countless wars, and they usually follow the same pattern. Two sides have a disagreement, they fight, one side emerges victorious, a treaty is signed, and eventually everything turns out fine. Grrr... errr... for the most part.

One conflict stands out to me because of how unusual it was: the Emu War. Bravely fought by both the Australian military and the emus of the outback, it began when the growing emu population became a serious nuisance for Australian farmers.

Now, personally, I hate the taste of emu. Far too gamey. Several of my kin, however, absolutely love it. Perhaps they should have hunted more of them, it would have helped those farmers quite a bit. Hmmm... where was I? Ah, right.

Since the dragon population was apparently not doing a sufficient job of hunting emus, the farmers turned to the Australian government for help. Rather than going to the Department of Agriculture, they requested military assistance in culling the birds. If they truly needed that much help, they could have simply asked their local dragons to be more diligent, but that's beside the point.

The Australian military rolled out with two machine guns and 10,000 rounds of ammunition. The first battle of the war took place at Campion. While the troops were attempting to sneak up on a large group of emus, some of us dragons thought it would be amusing to give the birds a bit of a scare. Roaring as loudly as we could, we sent the emus scattering in every direction. The soldiers did their best and managed to kill several birds, but the opportunity for a decisive strike was lost. The soldiers were not pleased with us, but what exactly were they going to do about it?

The next engagement occurred somewhere near a dam. Honestly, the soldiers were simply having terrible luck, because the moment they opened fire, their machine guns jammed.

After this failure, we graciously offered to help the farmers with their emu problem, but they refused, insisting it was a human matter or something along those lines.  One of my kin suggested that if humans were faster, they could simply chase down the emus themselves. Since they couldn't fly, however, it was difficult to see how they planned to accomplish that.

Then one of the generals had a brilliant idea: mount a machine gun on the back of a truck and drive after the emus.

This gave us dragons quite a laugh.

As the truck bounced wildly across the rough terrain in pursuit of the birds, the poor gunner could barely stay in his seat, let alone aim.  The entire operation looked less like a military campaign and more like a traveling circus. Eventually, the truck flipped over, and we were kind enough to help the unfortunate fellows out.

Now imagine how much easier things would have been if they had accepted our offer. But humans rarely learn from their mistakes.

Anyway, after the debacle of the first attempt, the soldiers returned to the field and achieved some modest success. Yet when everything was finally over, the exact number of emus killed remained a matter of debate.  Herrgg... even the humans couldn't seem to agree on it.  But if you ask this old dragon, I'd say the overall effect on the emu population was minimal.

Eventually, the farmers and the government swallowed their pride and introduced a bounty system for both humans and dragons.  This proved far more effective at reducing the emu population than the military campaign had been.

The lesson to be learned from all this is simple, we dragons can solve just about any problem better than humans ever could.

Taking Submissions for Blog Banners

 Hello dear readers!

From on Top of the Hoard is taking submissions for our blog banner! If you would like to submit your own, here are the rules. 

• Please make sure there is some kind of hoard involved!  It can be anything SFW from treasure to books to pillows!
• Image size should be 1600 x 400 pixels.
• You may include your character, but it is suggested that they be on the sides of the image as they could get blocked by the site Header. 
• You submit this on a volunteer basis. We do not have a budget and cannot pay for these at this time. If you do want to get paid for your work, we understand, but it is just not something we can do right now. 
• Your tags can be in one of the corners on the right side, we would love to see you get that bag off of people seeing your art on our banner!
• We will swap between collected banners every month. 
• Banners should be submitted to our email ontopofthehoard@gmail.com.

If you decide to enter a submission it would be greatly appreciated. Submissions will be reviewed and as long as they are publicly acceptable will be put into the monthly rotation for at least a year. 

Thank you for reading and we will catch you in the skies!

Spyro: A Realm Beyond. Thoughts of a dragon on what might make for a great dragon game.

Welcome to the first post of From on Top of the Hoard. What better way to kick things off than by discussing a recent announcement regarding dragon media!